10 worst gifts:
I am fully aware that usually my lists are entirely subjective and open for debate. But this list is not.
So we have reached the end of December, and my final December countdown for this year.
I am very happy I found a way to write four lists instead of just 1 this year, but my list making is not done. It might be that this becomes a blog of lists, but Smoke might not be on board with that.
So this is my final list, and being posted just after Christmas I thought making it slightly Christmas themed was fitting.
So this is all about the worst gifts you can get. This isn’t just for Christmas. These gifts are also shit for birthdays and other celebrations, no matter what it is for they are shit!
So lets crack on.
So you might be saying at this point. Hold on. Hannibal I don’t mind getting clothes. To you I say hold your horses and let me finish.
Sure it can be nice receiving an Item of clothing that you like. If you are like me socks and underwear is fine because its the only time I ever get new lots of either.
But I am talking of the hand knitted sweater your Aunt Gloria made out of wool that leaves friction burns.
The colorful shirts that leave rainbows thinking that’s a bit much.
The jacket that looks like some one skinned big bird after hitting him with there car.
I have received my fair share of horrible clothes over the years and it amazes me that people with no fashion sense and who see you once a year think it is ok to buy you this shit.
9: Gift Cards.
Again this is more a specific thing then a general thing.
I don’t mind a gift card from some one especially if it is to a place I will use.
But when granny Alice gets you a 10 dollar gift card from the book store around the corner from her house. Which happens to be a 2 hour drive away and that is the only place you can use it. I would say that is a pretty shit gift.
Thanks granny it might be the thought that counts. But I won’t think of this until I dig the expired card out of the bottom drawer in 4 years time.
8: Tooth Brush.
It seems amazing to me that if you announce you are taking a trip. Suddenly the weirdest shit becomes giftable.
Suddenly people are buying a tooth brush and travel sized tooth paste. Like what the fuck. this shit cost 2 dollars and your giving it to me like I should be thanking you because you saved me 2 minutes at the store before my trip in 4 months time.
Also side note. Travel sized tooth paste is literally the worst thing ever! The tube is to small so you get like 3 uses out of it. its like a day pack.
So when I was organizing this list I found several other people had experience this as well. If some one especially when they were kids got a present that didn’t include batteries. the person would buy the batteries for it and wrap them up as well. Then they give you the batteries as a separate gift.
This seems really stupid to me! Either just put the batteries with the thing that needs them or failing that. Just have the batteries on hand so when they open it you can go. Here you go have some batteries for your new vibrator.
Now keep in mind the vibrater comment is specifically for adults. Please don’t give vibrators to children.
6: a candle!
I can hear women screaming Hannibal candles are nice. I can also hear people screaming Hannibal stop making assumptions about the people who like candles being women. Guess what it is a fact…a scientific fact that men don’t like candles. I don’t know why that has never been solved but biologically men just don’t like candles the same way women do. We respect candles because they are fire and we will pour hot wax on our hands to prove something, for some reason. But we don’t like those fucking smelly candles women seem to adore.
Sorry I got side tracked for a moment back to the point at hand. I have been in to candle shops and sure you can get some very expensive and fancy candles, and I am sure these are fantastic gifts for those who like them.
But for some reason people seem to think that they can just grab any shitty candles and flog them off as nice gifts. How is this still a thing. Oh look I got a pack of 4 candles that probably cost you 3 dollars that you saw on the counter of the drug store when you were buying your rhino dick pills.
What can I say candles make me angry!
This to me just screams lazy. Sure if you went to the trouble of making a personalized calendar with pictures of things that mean something to the person I can understand it.
My uncle used to get calendars made up for my grandparents that had pictures of all the grand kids on it and sure that was nice for her.
But people who are Christmas shopping and think. Oh you know what Chelsea needs in her life. A paper reminder of the days for next year.
Guess what Jamie, Chelsea has a smart phone now. Stop buying shit gifts. Why don’t you get her an abacus and a sun dial to go with them.
4: Cheep Chocolates
This just all round confuses me. Like nothing screams I forgot it was your birthday until 5 minutes before I left the house so I bought you the first thing I could think of on the way over here.
But it is also the only gift that it is apparently just completely fine if you don’t wrap it.
Like sure people get lazy, use a gift bag or just tie some ribbon around the gift.
But we have apparently got to the point where we know the gas station chocolates are the rush gift so we don’t even have to wrap that shit. Just show up and hand them over with a half hearted happy birthday.
Nothing screams you smell and we want you to know like giving them a can of dollar store body spray. What ever brand you buy weather it be cheep or expensive the message is the same.
So I have a confession that leads me in to this story.
I actually came up with the idea for this article about a week before Christmas. However I did not start writing it until the day after Christmas. But that leads to this story.
Growing up in a house with 2 brothers, We found ourselves always borrowing each others deodorant. But this meant we were always fighting over who used the last in that can, and what ever else.
So mum used to just throw a can of Deodorant in with our presents for Christmas each year, so at the end of each year we all had our own can. This didn’t stop the fighting for long, but maybe for a short while.
So this hasn’t happened in about 10 years now but me and one of my brothers got a good laugh when our older brother got given a can of Deodorant this year. As I said above. nothing says you smell and we want you to know it like Deodorant.
2: Jigsaw Puzzles
I remain a little bit conflicted about including this on my list and I will attempt to explain why.
Over all I would agree that a jigsaw puzzle is a pretty shit gift. Had I been writing this in December 2019 I think it would have been completely reasonable to say that.
But thanks to lock downs and long periods at home for people now working from home Jigsaw puzzles have seen a massive resurgence in 2020.
Sure it is easy to let kids watch TV or play on IPads but with parents having to find ways to entertain kids who are bored and feeling cooped up over this shit house year. Stores especially early to mid 2020 saw Jigsaw puzzles flying off the shelves.
But this shit year a side I guess getting a puzzle is still a pretty crappy gift. Also as most readers of this blog are blind. Getting a puzzle that is probably not tactile so you can’t solve it and is just a flat picture at the end so you can’t appreciate it kind of screams shit gift!
1: A card!
The card and nothing but a card. WE have talked about being left to the last minute, but a card can be the worst of every possible gift experience.
Left until the last minute they may just think I will just grab them a card and stuff 20 bucks in to it. Sure you might like the money but you can’t deny you were forgotten.
Worse still is the card that thought and care has been put in to. The one that is meant to fit your personality but usually reads like this is what I think of you.
dreaded worst of all is the card with a joke that just isn’t funny. You know this card, the tone of voice the look on there face the excitement as they hand you the envelope.
Your fingers pull the card out and you look down. You red the card. then you have to some how fake amusement that just isn’t there.
Sure cards might have love and care put in to their selection. But lets all remember. 99.99999 percent of them will be in the bin before your car reaches the end of the driveway.
How many of these terrible gifts have you received? Is there something I missed? Let me know in the comments below.
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