Hannibal’s 2022 New year Resolutions

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Why the fuck am I still wishing people happy new year on the 7th of January. If you didn’t say it to me on the first I couldn’t give a shit. the second…fine up to the second I will accept it. After that we all know it is a new year get over it. Happy new Year everyone!


oh boy the start of a new year. The time where social media is flooded with the well wishes for a new year. The hope that this year is better than the last, and of course the resolutions that no one intends to keep.
The irony of this article is that by the time it is published Half the resolutions made have already been broken, but hey here we are.
Originally I had several ideas. I thought maybe I could write my own resolutions. Reasonable ones that people are much more likely to keep, But that didn’t seem very funny. Instead I thought perhaps a list of just fun resolutions was the way to go. But again I couldn’t come up with enough. So I finally thought I have it. I will use my resolutions to call out crap. Fuck yeah lets kick the year off with some passive aggressive blogging. Then I realized my blogging style would mean it was just aggressive and scrapped that idea as well. Finally I thought. I have it! I will write 22 resolutions for the year 2022.
After coming up with all of these ideas I realized that I had 7. just seven resolutions taken from all 3 of my first ideas. so here you go. Hannibal’s 7 resolutions for 1 and all of 2022.

7: exercise

The first of the big 3 a long with eating better and getting out more, both of which we will talk about later.
Exercise seems to be on everyone’s fucking lists. I want to exercise more. I want to run more. I want to start jogging. fuck you. jogging isn’t a thing.
Jogging is simply running for people who are too unfit to actually run. that is why jogging is a fast waling to the end of the street for most people, alternating between walking and stumbling while making sounds that would put most pornstars to shame.
It is a true fact that Gym memberships go up by over 600% in January but drop off by near 1200% by the end of march. Now if you think I made that up your probably a racist and you can show yourself out now. If you are a normal person who understands that I do all the research and don’t just make things up as I write these articles, you probably also know how insane this is.
Lets stop lying to our selves and call this resolution what it is. I want to sound like I am going to do more exercise but actually by the second week of January my gym membership is forgotten and I am back watching net flicks for 6 hours a day.

6.5: music.

So this was written in my notes on the original draft for this article. However when I sat down to actually write the article I have no idea why I had this heading.
So normally I would just delete it and move on. However for reasons I can’t explain I left it in and just wrote these words. Now back to the list.

6: Read More.

This is an interesting 1 for me. Because I do see it allot but I have know idea why people say it.
If you want to read more you would. Instead of watching TV you would read a book. Before bed instead of scrolling through social media read a fucking book. Want to do other things while reading? Then listen to an audio book.
This is meaningless because if you already read books then the amount you read probably varies depending on time of year, mood, and many other factors, So reading more might not actually be all that much more. If you rarely or never read books because you are too busy binge watching Squid Game or every Marvel movie, chances are you’re not going to suddenly start picking up a book. Weather physically or digitally.

5: No Resolution

* read the next line as if you were hearing someone with a valley girl voice reading it out loud.*
In 2022 I am not setting any resolutions. I am just going to make this year about focusing on me! #NoResolution #PowerOfMe.
The irony is absolutely nothing is wrong with the above statement. I approve of not setting any resolutions, and everyone can take time off to focus on them selves if they want. My issue is people posting this sort of shit online at the start of the year. You are setting a resolution to not set a resolution. some how breaking your resolution in the process of making it.
The only plus side to this is that it holds the record for the fastest broken resolution on this list. It is not physically possible to break anything faster than as you make it.
Focus on yourself, Learn an instrument, read a book, do whatever you feel it means to focus on yourself. Just do it when ever not because the new year started.

4: eat healthy

Ah the second of the big three. Eating healthy. the truth is this is again something meaningless. You are more likely to eat healthy because of a health scare or realizing you can no longer sit down with out adjusting your belly.
If you want to eat better that is awesome. Do it! More fruit and vegetables and less processed shit, but chances are all you will do is spend the next week eating fruit in between cookies and chocolate and in the end it will mean nothing.

3: achievable resolutions

I realize this article isn’t exactly what I meant it to be but oh well that is what happens when you write the draft of an article 3 days before actually writing the rest of it.
The old claims for achievable resolutions. This is my personal favorite. This is one of those meaningless resolutions that is always followed by complete and utter shit.
I want to quit smoking, quit drinking, climb a mountain.
Sure all of these things are achievable if you want to. But none of these things are easy. You need to have self control and that is something allot of people lack. Especially for smoking which is breaking an addition. Drinking can be as well, but the point is this is not an easy task. I have also literally never met anyone who made one of these resolutions that kept it.
I have met people who have quit smoking and or drinking. I have also met, actually no I haven’t met someone who has climbed a mountain. but either way. I have met people who have done the first two things, but not one of them was because they made it a new years resolution. If you actually had the conviction to stop you would do it not just because the calendar says that it is January again.
Want to lay out some achievable resolutions. Promise to check your email at least once a day. Nice and achievable.

2: get out less

Wait Hannibal, Isn’t the resolution to get out more?
Yes very annoying voice in my head that feels the need to correct me. Normally it is. but remember at the top of this article I said some of these resolutions were for me. Well if I had to make a resolution this would be it.
I would get out less. Fuck interacting with people in the real world. I want to stay at home and avoid you mouth breathers as much as I possibly can.
Sure going out was fun when I was in my early 20s. Now I am just sad at the money I spend to hang out with people I don’t want anything to do with. Leave me under my rock and stop bothering me.
Honestly going out more is a resolution I see allot of and I feel like in 2022 this is a cop out. Plenty of people have spent weeks if not more in lock downs, working from home, getting shit delivered and unable to do the things they used to do all because of covid in the last 2 years.
Covid has fucked the world so getting out more as the world reopens isn’t hard to do. you don’t need to make it a resolution. just fucking do it. Don’t let your dreams be dreams!

1: world peace!

So we have come to the final one. the number one spot on the resolutions. No this isn’t 1 I see very often. but this is something we can do. something we can all work towards.
A divide exists in our world. A divide that is tearing apart family’s, friends, countries and everything in between. Wars rage and people die every day all because we can’t come to peaceful agreement.
It has gone too far, and someone has to say it, so here I am the messenger of piece. Please listen to my words and understand it is time to set aside our differences.
We are all the same after all, and it doesn’t matter what you believe, or why you feel the way you feel, Because inside we are all the same. We are just people, people trying to live our lives in the best way we can.
So let us lay this all aside and finally forget all of our problems. It doesn’t matter If you like muffins or cupcakes. WE are still just humans. Humans who like what we like. I in vision a world wear we can live in harmony. People eating cupcakes, people eating muffins. All together. trays of deliciousness divided only by blue berry and chocolate, Apple cinnamon or Vanilla, Butterscotch (which could be either).
So let us forget our differences. Because muffins or cupcakes we live in this world together. If we come together as one who knows what we might achieve.


Did you set any resolutions and if so let me know. Drop a comment below.

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