Twitter: A How To Guide


The comments in this article are purely for comedy. They don’t reflect anyone’s views exactly and are written to entertain not offend.


Twitter is a wonderful amazing thing in this modern future we live in.
Wait we live in the present so imagine I said that but 5 years ago.
Wait actually I am writing this now but you are reading this hours or days after I wrote it. So you are in the future from the present that I wrote those words. I think that works.
Anyway my point is Twitter is fantastic but some people out there are still not completely sure how to use it.
Who should you follow?
How often should you check your feed?
What content should you share?
I will answer all of these questions in this complete guide on how to use twitter.

Retweet the shit out of that!

Everyone knows step one to running a Twitter account is you have to Retweet more than you send out original tweets.
Is that funny? Retweet it. Sad? Retweet. stupid? Retweet.
But how do you find the balance?
The perfect ratio is 20 re tweets for every original tweet you make.
You have some leeway on this. down to 15 or up to 25.
If you are re tweeting less than 15 things for every original tweet people will start thinking your some sort of know it all with thoughts and opinions of your own and that is just not allowed.
But slip over 25 and you just become a spam bot probably not even doing it yourself, and almost certainly having some link to porn.
Think you’ve got that? But wait! You have to remember quote tweets.
Quote tweets are grate. You are running with another’s idea so you aren’t in danger of free thinking but you can add your own to it.
Here the rule is for every 3 re tweets make one of them a quoted tweet.
It is totally fine if you just add loll in your quote. Nothing adds to a shit joke like some one adding LOL to it.

Original content

Hannibal I get the Retweet stuff, but what I don’t know is what I can do for my original content?
That is easy just write what ever comes to your brain. here are some grate examples of things you can post.
Random jokes that need the context of the wider conversation to be funny: Remember this is completely acceptable if you add the hash tag no context.
Things you don’t want to talk about: Simply post that you are having a shitty day but refuse to answer if anyone asks what’s wrong. Remember it works even better if you include in the tweet that you don’t want to talk about it.
Your current location: If you have become bored with watching porn and licking dead flies off the windows and decide to leave the house you must remember to post everywhere you go on Twitter. In this modern day and age you can not expect stalkers to do what they used to do. So make it easy for anyone wishing to do you harm or just watch you in a weird way and let them know where you are.
Nothing at all: Have you got nothing to say? That’s fine put that in a tweet. Nothing says I am an interesting person like a tweet talking about how you have nothing to tweet about.

Don’t forget to Hash Tag it

No matter what you are tweeting about include at least 4 hash tags. The more the better. If your list of hash tags is longer then what you have to say you are doing something right.
Before you say something about aren’t hash tags meant to group certain tweets together for easy searching on a social media platform? I say to you get out of here 2010 me. The only people who still use Hash tags like that are sporting events, music festivals, natural disasters and James Blunt.
Note: I do not follow James Blunt and I have never seen any of his Tweets. I have no evidence to suggest that he does this I am making an assumption based on nothing.
Just remember you can hash tag some very simple tweets. You don’t want examples. To bad!
I am having a fantastic day. #living #BestDayEver #winning #motivation #Achieving! #masturbation
I just got a new book to read. #reading #books #learning #MindTraining #life #PictureBooks #masturbating
I want ice cream! #craving #ice cream #happiness #love #SweetTooth #StillMasturbating


Remember when following celebrities was a bad thing and a crime? Well those days are gone but the rules of following are simple but must be followed. [Get it? I am talking about followers on Twitter and I said the rules have to be followed. It is funny! #funny #BestJokes #FuckYouI’mLaughing.] When it comes to following a few simple rules are all you need.
First if some one follows you with out question you must follow them back.
It doesn’t matter if you like them or what they post you must follow for a follow.
Next remember that everyone you follow have people you can follow as well. So look at those lists and follow more people.
It is important that any one that has more following than followers is bad and you shouldn’t follow them.
Also follow people so they might follow you back. Follow as many as you can!
Follow all these rules even the ones that contradict the others to amass the largest number of followers.

Checking Twitter

Well you know who and how to follow. You know what to write but how often should you be checking Twitter?
The answer to that is why are you reading this post. You should never not be checking Twitter.
If you find that you don’t have enough things happening to check that often. Just use the rules above to follow more people and make more things happen.
Remember the key here is that you are a slave to Twitter and you should always be checking Twitter. If you leave the house make sure you have the Twitter app or something similar to check while you are meant to be socializing with actual people.

Final Thoughts

Well now you know the proper way to use Twitter. Use this information and prepare for your life of servitude to the Twitter gods above.
If you need any other reasons just remember this. If you think hell is bad. The Punishment for denouncing the Twitter gods is eternity on Facebook.


Did you enjoy this article. Do you like my comedy posts. Let me know in the comment section or better yet on Twitter.

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