Sobriety is doing weird things to me.
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Countdown? Lists?
I have absolutely no idea what this article is, or why it exists. So just buckle in, because this is about to get weird.
Introduction.
So, two weeks ago I posted a very reasonable article about my 10 favourite book series. Now I am writing this. I do not even know what it is, but I will do my best to explain.
I wanted to write two articles for the end of the year. I used to do countdowns, so I came up with the idea of one being serious, the other less so.
So I am really not sure what this all is. Five lists, each of only three things. A random rant about something I have ranted about before, and absolutely nothing worth reading.
Read it anyway. Consider it your final challenge of 2025.
List 5: Snacks Ranked by How Likely They Are to Betray You in a Crisis.
3: Chocolate.
Now, the truth is I think chocolate would be somewhat dependable in certain situations. But if the temperature gets hot, you are so fucked. Chocolate is turning its back on you in the event of a fire. If you were drowning and chocolate could help, it might. I would not hold out hope, but it is possible. But if a fire starts, chocolate will lock the door and hope you do not find a way out.
Chocolate is that friend you have that wants you to come out drinking, but once you get too drunk they will dump your ass so fast.
2: Popcorn.
Popcorn gives absolutely zero fucks about you, and in an emergency it thinks you can fuck right off. Literally do not even think of hoping for a popcorn rescue. Sure, it might not go so far as chocolate would in the event of a fire, but unlike chocolate, there is no situation in which popcorn is helping you.
1: Doctor Pepper.
If Doctor Pepper was a real person, it would have a body count higher than you could fucking believe. Trust me, it is ready with a knife at all times, ready to stab you right in the back at the worst moment. It is hoping for all hell to break loose. The worst part, not even a real doctor.
List 4: Everyday Objects That Are Secretly Judging You.
3: The Toilet.
We all know that the toilet is where we have our most private moments, and holy shit, that motherfucker is judging us all so hard. You know when you ate that thing you should not have and it gave you violent diarrhoea? Your fucking toilet does. Remember when you drank so much that you puked all over the toilet? You might not, but the toilet does. It is judging you so aggressively. All I can say is that the toilet better not be deciding our fate in the afterlife.
2: Your Favourite Coffee Mug.
Mugs in general are pretty judgmental, but your favourite one judges you so hard. Not only do you probably drink too much coffee, you might be drinking one as you read this, and your coffee mug feels overworked and underappreciated. When you pour a fresh cup but you do not give it a good wash first, just from one coffee to the next, it hates you for that.
When you leave it half full because you forgot about it, and it has cold coffee in it for hours, it would like to rip your face off.
Do not get me started on how they feel if you use a different mug. You might as well just make a list of reasons why you are a shit person, because your coffee mug sure as shit did.
If your toilet hates you, your favourite coffee mug would like to grow legs just so it can dance on your grave.
1: Socks!
Now you might say, wait, hold on a minute, Hannibal. My socks love me, they keep my feet warm. No. Fuck you, they hate you. You put your gross feet into them all the time. They are pairs, and you lose one of them and just pair them up with something close enough. You fold them, roll them, chuck them in corners. You abuse them and just keep expecting more of them. And when you do lose one or get a hole in one, you blame them, like somehow this is the sock’s fault.
Socks could have become any item of clothing, but they became socks. They hate the one who made them, they hate the one who sold them, but the one who wears them, they hate you more than anything.
Fuck the Word Subtle.
You know I have written on this blog before how much I hate this word. That B does not belong in the middle of that word.
Now, this has nothing to do with any of the lists. It was part of an idea I worked on, but I gave up on it. But I left this bit in so I could rant about this stupid fucking word again.
List 3: 10 Fictional Characters Who Would Absolutely Hate Me and I Do Not Know Why.
3: Homer Simpson.
On the surface we should be best friends. We both like drinking, we are both dumb, and I would not say no to a donut. But for some reason I believe he would hate me. Maybe not as much as Flanders, but at least a small amount of hate.
2: The Froot Loops Mascot.
I love Froot Loops. I ate them at least some as a child, and I probably have had them as an adult at some point. But I do not think that stupid bird would like me. Honestly, I do not really like it either, so maybe the feeling is mutual.
1: Pikachu.
I just want you to love me, you amazing electric mouse. Why must you reject me so? Why? We could be best buds. We could travel the world. I would not make you fight anyone or anything. We can just hang out and have good times, you goddamn jerk.
Granted, I just feel like all Pokémon would hate me, but this one especially.
List 2: Things I’ve Named for Absolutely No Reason.
3: My Cane.
My first cane was Kenny. Until I was an age I will not admit on this blog, I still called my cane Kenny. New canes did not even get different names, they were all just Kenny. My family and teachers at school used the name as well. It was weird. How did that happen?
2: My Guitar.
I never named a guitar until I saw a musician say in an interview that you were not a real guitarist until you had named your guitar. I do not even remember who said it, but my guitar became Parker on that day. Do not question it.
1: My First Phone.
My first phone was named Pebble. Why? I do not know. I have no idea why I called it that, but it was Pebble. I have nothing more to say on the matter.
List 1: The Most Chaotic Ways I’ve Misheard Song Lyrics.
3: Linkin Park, One Step Closer.
I absolutely love Linkin Park, but it took me nearly 20 years to realize I was hearing and singing the lyrics wrong to one of their biggest songs.
The song One Step Closer has the line in the chorus, “I need a little room to breathe,” but for my entire life I thought it said, “I need a little room to pray.” I do not even know how, or when I realized it was wrong, but I know it was in the last few years.
Keep in mind, I was listening to them from the age of about 10. I owned the albums. I even saw them live back in 2010. At no point did I realize my mistake.
click to listen to One Step Closer.
2: Brenda Lee, Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.
An entry from December 2025, this one is the most recent fuck up I have. The line in question simply says, “Later we’ll have some pumpkin pie and do some caroling.”
Sadly, I misheard this, so what I thought she said was, “Later we’ll have some fuckin’ fun.” A very reasonable mistake, in my opinion.
click to listen to Rockin Around The Christmas Tree.
1: Beyond the Black, Is There Anybody Out There.
This one is 100 percent Smoke’s fault. While recording his part for WAP, he had to say “drip down the side of me,” but he said “drip down Sodomy.” You would not know it, but that is what he said.
In this song they say, “I get lost inside of me,” but I just hear, “I get lost in Sodomy.”
Smoke’s fault. I refuse to believe otherwise.
click to listen to Is There Anybody out There.
Conclusion.
I am not really sure what to say here. I hope someone out there enjoys reading this. I had fun making it.
This is just silly and a fun way to end the year.
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